YOU AREN'T HERE...

At first, there were tears
And then, when the reality dawned upon me harder, there were more tears
And then, there was this intense pain
Excruciating, stabbing at my heart mercilessly
Shooting through my veins, making me wince, cry out loud
For you aren't here to comfort me...


And then I was tired
Tried of all the crying, tired of the pain I'd been through
Surprised I'm not yet dead
Its now a void, an abyss, a nothingness
For you aren't here to fill me and complete me


I close my eyes, I drift off into a deep sleep
Not wanting to get up
I want to believe its all a nightmare
And I would find you here beside me when I wake up
But you aren't here to say in your calm quite voice, "trust me."


"It was a dream. Wasn't it?" I ask people when I do wake up, occasionally
They keep their sad lips pursed
The answer written on their faces
I go back to sleep, afraid to get up and face the music
For you aren't here to give me strength


People advise me to let in some fresh air
Take a short walk , feel the bright sun
But I want all the doors closed,
All the windows shut and all the shutters drawn
I want darkness all around me
I want to lose myself in it
I want it to engulf me, eat me up
For you aren't here to pull me out, lock me in your embrace, look into my eyes and say, "everything is gonna be alright"


I feel numb, feel no pain now
I neither laugh, nor cry
I neither sigh, nor do I smile
I'm dead inside
For you aren't here to make me feel alive


I had never had to think about this earlier
But now that you are gone,
I realize...
Your life was my life
Your death is my death


And then...
As days pass, the cloud begins to clear, the wounds heal
A thin ray of fresh light from somewhere enters
Bringing with it a new hope
A voice within me emerges from nowhere
I realize... that it belongs to you!


It smiles at me, soothes me
Guides me into a new life
Helps me build it anew, emerge from the ruins
A life, which is not as beautiful
But still, it is what it is... 'LIFE'


I slowly learn, all over again
To talk, to smile like a baby taking its first lessons
To laugh when something is funny
To cry when I feel sad
Its you and your voice that do the magic, once again
And I fall in love with you all over again


I finally learn...
You aren't here, but your love is still with me
You aren't here, but I still need to be
To love you forever
To remain here as a sign of your love
To remember you and cherish the memory of your existence
And... to live my life!!!




Inspired from the book P.S. I Love You (by Cecelia Ahern)

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE?

Someone changes your world just by coming into it
Someone lightens up your day just by giving you a smile
Someone makes you lose yourself with just a tender touch
Someone sets you ablaze with just a light kiss

You think about the 'someone' day and night
You crave to spend your life in the 'someone's' arms
You'd love to lose time looking into the 'someone's' eyes
You'd feel incomplete without the 'someone' beside you

It is a funny thing... this love
It makes you think, it makes you insane
It is a strange thing... this love
It makes you laugh, it makes you cry
It is a weird thing... this love
It makes you sacrifice, it makes you selfish

But...
It is a nice thing... this love
It makes you sigh, it makes you smile
It is a great thing... this love
It makes you want to live, it makes you want to die!!!

A SANCTUM IN SENILITY

The cool wind breezing through the window ruffled my hair and gently pushed it onto my face. I smiled, my eyes remained closed, as a couple of cool fingers touched my skin and lovingly brushed the hair off my face. I half-opened my eyes to look at them. The touch of the weak, wrinkled fingers seemed like the best thing in the world, for me, at that moment.
It was raining cats and dogs, outside. The streets were filled with water and the trees were swaying, as if dancing with merriment over the onset of monsoons. I opened my eyes and started bursting the little glistening water bubbles that formed on the window grills, listening to her soothing voice going on in its usual sing-a-song manner, as her fingers continued running through my hair. "...and then," she said, "you fell down and cried the whole day. I had to hit the floor so hard that there were cracks in the tiles and only then did you stop crying." She laughed and I looked up at her face; her toothless laughter seemed like the purest and the snow-white hair flying in all directions possible seemed the most beautiful thing in the world, for me, at that moment. I listened to her soothing voice, my head in her lap, as she went on narrating little stories about my childhood, as if they were the best things she'd ever seen.
"Is this what heaven is like?" I wondered. This woman had seen so much in her life, faced hurdles, fell down again and again, got hurt, yet, every time, she got up and fearlessly continued her journey of life.
Here she is, in the last phase of her life, full of wisdom, heart hardened with all kinds of experiences.
Yet, here she is, a little child bubbling with joy and enthusiasm unlimited, as she reveled in her memories of my childhood.
Feeding me, narrating stories of kings and queens to me, cradling my head in her laps, relaxing with me are the things that she enjoyed the most.
I was lost in my thoughts and then gradually dozed off into a light sleep right there in her lap and occasionally in my sleep, listening to her still going on and on about the first time she had fed me baby food or laughing at the silly jokes that I had cracked back then...


Inspired from my Grandmother, my friend, philosopher and guide, the best grandmother in the world!

ARCHAIC ROMANCE...

"We'll be back soon, mom!"
"See you grandpa"
"Bye, granny"
I stood there, on the porch, waving happily. He stood beside me, doing the same, smiling. My bigger children sauntered down the walkway, noisily, chatting, joking and laughing as their children- my grandchildren skipped and hopped around their respective parents. The air was charged and lively. I just caught a glimpse of my youngest daughter, who was now eight months pregnant, clasping her husband's arm as he led her on slowly and my eldest son slapping the youngest one playfully on his back and the whole group erupted in another fit of laughter, as they rounded the corner and disappeared.
Silence...
I stood for a few seconds looking at nothing in particular, smiling contentedly and turned to him to make some remark on how nice our kids had turned out to become. But the porch was empty. He was gone. I hadn't realized when he had gone in, so noiselessly. Didn't he share the wondrous sight i had just enjoyed? Or didn't he care?
A not-so-uncommon remark of my feminist sister crossed my mind. "Men," she said, "are emotionally dead human beings."
I walked back into the house, into the bedroom, deep in contemplation, to check on the twins. The twins- a boy and a girl, only a few moths old, belonged to one of my daughters. They were left behind under my care. The original plan, an evening walk for my pregnant daughter and her husband, when materialized, embraced everybody else, leaving out the two too young and two too old people in the house.
I stared at the twins sleeping peacefully, marveling at them, when I spotted a faint smile on the boy's sleeping face. I was overwhelmed. I hadn't noticed it earlier, but my grandchild had the same smile- the smile I had grown addicted to, after all these years. It was 'his' smile. Now, I looked closer searching for any other similarities between the little boy and his grandfather. There was a sound outside and when I turned back, I realized that it was soft music. As the much familiar notes filled the air, I sprinted into the living room. It was a mess-ribbons, balloons, remains of food strewn all over. The huge banner screaming, "WELCOME INTO THE FAMILY, TWINS!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!" was half trailing on the floor, its other end still managed to hang on to the temporary support on the wall. Amidst all this turmoil, he stood there, as if unaffected by it, oblivious to it, his eyes on me, smiling. Looking at his smile now, I was surer that it had passed on to his grandson.
"Remember the song?" his voice barged into my thoughts. Of course! Could I ever forget it? This was the song we loved to dance to. This was the song we had first danced to. Hell, this was the song we had ever danced to. But it was so many years ago. Back then, I was young, energetic, beautiful. Now, I was old, tired and well... not so beautiful.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice when he had walked towards me and stretched out his hand and said the famous words, "Ma'am, dance?" His first words I'd ever heard, many years back. Then, I was a lot shy and hesitant. Now, though I was shy, I was sure and happy to oblige.
He gently took my hand, placed it over his shoulder and I buried my face in the hollow of his neck, feeling against my cheek, his steady pulse-a contradiction to an erratic one, back then. I felt his arms tightening around me, the same way as they had always done, as if protecting me from the world. The strength of his embrace was still the same. He held my palm against his and out fingers locked as we gently rocked to and fro to the rhythm.
I looked at his fingers and the back of his hand. The skin was wrinkled. I smiled. He was old! Who am I kidding? Am I growing any younger? I looked at his face and eyes were looking at me as if questioning my amusement. I kissed him on his cheek and said in whisper, "I love you, old man."
He smiled. "I know," he said and touched the tip of my nose lightly. I immediately wrinkled it, involuntarily, something in which, he found a great amusement. He laughed out loud and said, "you are cute" and I blushed.
It was all the same. All these years passed by and changed so much in our lives. The only thing that was left untouched was probably the way we felt for each other.
There were times when we had fought for each other, there were times when we had fought against each other.
There were times when we'd wanted to take a break from each other, there were times when we'd wanted to take a break from the world, to be alone with each other.
Some times we'd drifted apart from each other. But then, at the end of the day, we'd come home to each other.
We had laughed together, enjoyed the happy times together.
We had cried together, found solace in each other's company during the hard times.
All that we'd faced together had only succeeded in strengthening the bond that we shared. Nothing could ruffle it. Nobody could meddle with it.
I danced with him as always, losing myself in him, losing track of time.
I was shook out of my thoughts when I heard a noise.
"Looks like the kids are back," he grumbled, impatiently. I smiled and said slowly, still holding him tight, "I thought of cleaning up this mess before they came home."
He immediately broke away from me. " Don't ask me to help. I'm tired." And off he went. I gritted my teeth as I remembered another one of my sister's frequent remarks. "Men," she said, "are the laziest class of human beings."

PUZZLING CONTRAST...

How much ever I wonder
I haven't the slightest clue
To this day, I keep puzzling
How you do what you do

What is it that I feel so intensely for you?
I sometimes wonder
All these feelings get so confusing
And at times, they do bother

I'll never understand, how much ever I try
I have contrasting feelings for you, at the same time
And though they confuse me always, I must admit
They make me feel so light, yet grand and at times, sublime

Because you are so gorgeous
I look at you and I think I'm filled with vicious lust
But, surprisingly, its not just the desire that eats me away
I'm longing for something much more, which is better than the best

And then, my heart cries out of hurt, from somewhere deep within
When I see even a single tear in your eye
But I am much more glad
When its me you are crying for, because I know, eyes don't lie

One thing I know for sure
That nothing can ever tear us apart
Yet, I am so scared of the thought of loosing you
And this fear is very deeply-seated in my heart

Sometimes, you are amazing and you enthrall me
So much that I get tried of being just 'me'
At times, you are irksome and you enrage me
Yet, all I want is the happening of 'WE'!!!

AN IMAGE FFROM THE BEAUTIFUL PAST...

I felt a tugging at my shirt and I looked down. A little child was trying to get my attention, looking up at me and smiling. It was a little girl, with an oddly familiar pair of large, dark, lively eyes and an even more intimate, smile. I was baffled! The resemblance was stark and striking.
They were the same black eyes. It was the same innocent smile. They were the two things I first got attracted to, so many years ago.
I was still speculating, fascinated, when I heard a voice-a voice that keeps ringing in my ears to this day, almost every morning, every night, all these years. I couldn't believe my ears! It was the same voice! It was her voice! I immediately spun around and there she was, walking quickly towards me, looking at her child, anxious! No sooner had her eyes turned towards me, than she stopped dead in her tracks and as I had expected, her eyes registered surprise and awe. Or was she shocked?
Those eyes... gazing into which, I used to see my own image, yet, completely forgot myself, utterly lost myself in their soft gaze...That was so many years back. Now I'm seeing them again, looking at me the same way they did back then. Her eyes were still the same, large, liquid, expressive. They looked just the same, except for a vague trace of the apparently newly-appearing crow's feet at their edges.
Now, as she blinked, a dark curl of her hair swept across her face, brushing her skin lightly. Unconsiously, her hand raised to her face, and she twisted the lucious ringlet, between two of her long, slim fingers and tucked it discreetly behind her ear, gracefully, just like how she used to do when she caught me staring appreciatively at the curls of her hair flying against her face. Her hair...into which, I gladly buried my face, inhaling its dainty frangrance and played with it, feeling its softness...That was so many years back. Her hair still looked the same, excpet for a few grey strands here and there.
And now, I could see her lower lip trembling slightly. She immediately caught it tight between her teeth, sending a shot of pain across my heart. I wanted to run to her and rescue her lip of the menacing hold between her teeth. Her rosy lips...which always had an innocent, never-ending smile. Her lips...which had felt so soft and passionately receptive when I kissed.
She looked the same-exactly the same. '...except that she'd gained a little weight,' the logical corner of my mind tried to intervene. But my eyes and my heart proclaimed that she still looked gorgeous. For me, undoubtedly, she is the most beautiful woman in the whole world. If anything, her womanly grace seemed more beautiful than her frilly innocence. There was this mysterious dignity about her now, which looked like a perfect blend of maturity and chastity.
I, myself, was surprised at the reaction of my own body and heart to her presence. There was no hunger, no urgency, like before. But still, just like before, my heart still beat fast and galloped, threatening to jump right out of me, at that moment. And my body, though didnt show any signs of carnal desire, still craved for her soothing, reassuring touch, telling me silently that everything is going to be alright.
Yes! I wish she were mine. I wish she were with me now. I knew it was impossible. What I didnt know was whether she felt the same about me. I wished I could read her thoughts. I wished I could ask her what was going on in her mind. I wished I could talk to her just once.
She opened her mouth as if about to say something. And as we gazed at each other, neither of us noticed her daughter running towards her. When the little girl hugged her mother, she gave a start as if she woke up from sleep. She looked at her little child and again at me. Resigningly, she picked up her daughter and tearing her eyes away from me, she turned away. I wouldn't swear on it, but I thought I had seen a tear spilling out of one of her eyes, just like it did on that fateful day, many years back, when fate tore us apart. Through misty eyes, I just looked on as she walked away from me again, after all these years.

THE FLYING TIME...

They bring a smile onto the lips
They bring tears into the eyes
The echo of sweet voices reverberating in the ears
And then, an involuntary and heavy sigh
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

That running in the green pastures with their little white blossoms
That ignoring the broken twigs tearing and scratching tiny bare feet
That tripping and falling, being helped up onto the feet again
That squealing joyfully, singing and racing across hand-in-hand
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

That pouring over the year's books just one day before the exam
That waiting tensly for the inevitable 'death sentence'
That crying over someone's shoulder dreading failure
That partying hard into the night celebrating success
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

That sharing a secret joke across the table strewn with unhealthy food
That burst of laughter at one of the friends, who stared humiliated
That springing of surprises, endless gossiping, dancing and howling into the sleepless night
That tearful farewell, those kisses, hugs, tears and more tears
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

That first crush, a boundless attraction, those knowing winks, oohs and aahs
That game of secret admiration, eying one another
That naked bathing in the moon light on an eerily dreamy night
That falling in and out of love and that heart-break
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

Those reminiscences...
Just one step back in the past
There are so many of them, to last a life time
Those memories...
Just one look back at the life lived
There are still so fresh unaffected by the flying time