My Picture Stories

A picture is worth a thousand words. Sometimes, a picture could totally change a vague idea into a very real breathing and kicking thing, assuming a life of its own, completely occupying you, consuming you whole – body, mind, and soul.

Mine is a typical arranged marriage. You arrive at a “marriageable age”. Your parents talk to you and put out a word about your “availability” in their social circles. And you wait…

Then finally, a few weeks later, they find a “nice” boy. They match your ages, heights, horoscopes, and a whole load of crap that’s to be matched. And then, you exchange photographs.

When his photograph arrived, a few people at home looked at it before I did. They started throwing around these random judgments – he's cute, he's handsome, nice, tall, etcetera, etcetera…

So, my indifference slips a little bit and I get a little curious. Finally, I open the laptop and while his picture loads, my family throw in more appreciative adjectives for my benefit. Amidst all this hubbub, I look at his picture and decide – well, they are not wrong. He is one attractive man. It’s a waist length photograph. He’s in this red and white shirt, posing for the camera, smiling and all…

He had a very gentle and pleasant smile and I wonder “what's he smiling at”, though I knew that he was just posing for a photo.

He had thick and black curly hair which was well-groomed and I wonder “Did he get a hair-cut done specially for this picture?”

His arms are long and strong-looking and I wonder what his touch would feel like.

While going to bed that night, I wonder if he was going to bed too. While having breakfast next morning, I wonder what's his favorite dish. I wonder what movies he likes to watch, what books he likes to read. I wonder what his kind of vacation is. At every moment, I would think – What is he doing right now, at this exact moment? Is he eating, is he working, is he sleeping? Does he know I am thinking about him?

All of a sudden, he was this real, living, breathing person whose existence I was not aware till now, who I had never met till date, yet strangely, could not get out of my head. Not that I wanted to, of course. I shamelessly admit – I was obsessed. I was obsessed and I just couldn’t wait to meet this stranger.

Fast forward six years. I’m married to this stranger, we have an adorable little boy, who’s also a brat sometimes. And now, we register to legally adopt a girl child. We fill up a truck load of forms, face innumerable interviews, finish another truck load of formalities and then, we wait…

Here again, they match your requirements with the available children and finally, a few years later, there’s a match – a nine-month old baby girl! While speaking to the Children’s home about the baby, I hear some appreciative adjectives – she’s very cute, she’s extremely active, healthy, adorable... My nerves are a wreck (well, I can’t tell you how nervous I was) when I opened the laptop and saw her picture and I decide – well, they are not wrong – She’s one adorable little munchkin.

It was a tiny passport size picture. She had little almond-shaped eyes looking not towards the camera, but towards a side and I wonder “What is she looking at? What’s there that grabbed her attention?”

She had thin little lips, forming just a hint of a smile and I wonder “What’s got her so amused?”

On her head were just a few brownish strands set slickly on her head with a couple sticking out awkwardly from one side and I wonder “Has some one combed her hair back so slickly or is her hair prim and proper always?”

While having dinner that evening, I wonder what she liked to eat – is she a fussy eater? While going to bed at night, I wonder if she likes to hear lullabies at bedtime. I wonder if she liked to play peek-a-boo or would it scare her. I wonder if she has a favorite toy, I wonder what she likes to play, I wonder if she smiles a lot. At every moment, I would think – What is she doing now, right at this exact moment? Is she eating, is she sleeping, is she playing? Does she know I am thinking about her?

All of a sudden, she was this real, living, breathing person, albeit a little person, whose existence I was not aware till now, who I had never met till date, yet strangely, could not get out of my head. Not that I wanted to of course. I admit I was obsessed. I was obsessed and I just couldn’t wait to meet my little stranger.

Is it really all gone?

The initial magic has worn off. They are now just a boring middle-aged couple, each caught up in his or her own daily lives. Gone are the good morning kisses, the starry-eyed staring at each other, rambling on and on in each others arms late at night, and all the other things that consumed almost half of the ‘honey moon years’.

She longs for those little gestures that used to make her days, made her feel wanted, made her feel loved, made her feel alive. Had she not vowed, as a teenager, that she would never let this happen to her life? Wasn't she determined never to get bored of her marriage?

She forgot how it felt to have butterflies in her stomach. She forgot how it felt to snuggle close to him on cold winter nights. She forgot the fun of pillow fights. 

How many days has it been since they spoke of something other than news during breakfast?

How many years has it been since they had called each other during work for something other than to remind each other of an unfinished chore?

How many evenings has it been since they sat together for something other than to watch the television?

How many nights has it been since they actually ‘shared’ a bed?

The sharp ringing of her phone snaps her out of her sad reverie. It is him calling.

But surprisingly, it is not his voice. She hears an anxious voice of a stranger. He is sympathetic and tries to break the news about the fateful accident as gently as possible. As he goes on rambling about how the accident happened, she blanks out, the phone falls off her sweaty palms, and she collapses on the ground.

How could this have happened? How could he be gone? What would happen to her now? Her mind becomes a mirage of confused feelings, coming and going.

Who would give her news briefs during breakfast in the morning?

Who would call her during work and remind her of an unfinished chore?

Who would she watch the television with, during evenings?

Who would she find beside her, when she wakes up in the middle of the night?

Oh, what would she not give up to have him back in her life! She didn't want any butterflies in her stomach or the silly pillow fights. She just wants him back!

She is oblivious to her phone that is still ringing and the impatient knocking on the door. She loses track of time and doesn't even know how long she sat there, sobbing and regretting. Suddenly, she sees an apparition, his apparition, in front of her. 

Is it a dream!?

She stands up and rushes into his arms. His palms smooth her hair, comfortingly till she comes back to her senses.

He is not an apparition, she realizes as sense dawns upon her. He is alive! Very much alive! He is here, in flesh and blood! 

But the phone call…? She is very confused! She is blabbering incoherently.

‘Honey! Someone stole my phone in the afternoon,’ he explains and tears of relief stream down her eyes. They are lost for words and fall asleep in each others arms.

The next morning…

As usual, the persistent alarm wakes them up. They hurry through their chores and before long; they are at the breakfast table.

As she listens to her husband’s news briefing, a line that she had read in a book years ago strikes her:

“Early love is filled with attraction. It is like a flower of a plant. It is beautiful, but it is delicate and fragile.

The love that comes later on is filled with responsibility. It is like the root of a plant. You may not be able to see it and it is not beautiful like the flower. But, do not forget that it supports and nourishes your entire life!”

The Knight Vs The King...

Not at all different from a girl any other

A firm believer I am, of a cliche, 'The knight in a shining armor'

My eyes, when awake, search for him desperately

When closed, they dream of him endlessly

Of his probing eyes looking deep down into mine, I am aware

Of his cool fingers brushing off from my face, tendrils of hair

Of his warm breath breezing on my cheek, as he holds me close

Of his lips, as he whispers, 'You are as beautiful as a red rose'

How does one find such a man in this world, in reality?

Mind accepts defeat, but the heart rejects any offer of peace or tranquility

'I do' finally accept to belong to a man, but with a half of my heart
Readying myself to embark on a journey, to adapt and to adopt

When asked the dreaded question, 'Is he your knight?'

I wave my hand carelessly and say, 'May be he is, may be not'

'Is he like this? Is he like that?' the cruel questions persist

Raising a minor chaos in the poor heart, which has no one to assist

Days pass and slowly upon me dawns a realization

Reality is a lot different, yet differently more beautiful than any fascination

It may not be all romantic or enchanting or surreal

Yet, it surely is unique, toughening, and most importantly it is REAL

He may not be like the dreamy hero sweeping the heroine off her feet

He may not be all lovey-dovey, proclaiming loudly his love for me to the entire fleet

Yet, he is all that I did not know I actually wanted

As for me, I now try every living moment to be the one he truly warranted

He does not own a shining armor and he surely is not a knight

But, he is a king, my king, who boldly conquered and filled the whole of my heart!!!


Inspired from a real life situation of an anonymous friend...

Valentine’s day…Now and Then…

14^th February, 1999

Getting up in the morning, I don’t even need to glance at the calendar

It is February, the fourteenth

And I had been waiting for this day, for all too long

I look at the pretty gift that I had bought for her

Thinking if I would ever get a chance to give it to her

And then, sneaking out of my room into the living room

Stealthily I approach the phone and ring her up

Wanting to be the first one to wish her ‘Happy Valentine’s day!’

Listening to the ‘beep beep’ on the other side

I am spiraling down an abyss, expecting the worst

Whom is she talking to this early in the morning?

Am I too late? Did some one else ask her out already?

Finally, after trying times innumerable

The ring on the other side was the most welcome sound

But then, I was nervous

What if she is not interested?

“Hello,” her sweet voice on the other side

Made me forget the world

Still a little nervous I wish her and say my thing

She giggles and says, “I had been waiting for you to ask”

14^th February, 2029

Getting up in the morning, I glance at the calendar

It is February, the fourteenth

Isn’t this day supposed to mean something?

I try to remember, birthdays… wedding anniversaries…

How much ever I try, nothing comes into my mind

Shaking myself out of my reverie, I rush into the living room

Running all around the house

The Daily morning routine, the chores and the rush

Struggling into my clothes, I take a bite at the breakfast table

And quickly set off to the car

Resting on the dashboard was a large card and a little wrapped package beside it

On a card is a large picture of a basket of red roses

And a ‘Happy Valentine’s day’ written in gold

Crap! I forgot to wish her, let alone buy her a gift or a card

I rush back into the living, where she was struggling with the children

As usual, to get them into their clothes, to feed them

And send them to their destinations on time

I go towards her in a run

She looks up from whatever she is doing

I smile and say my thing

She smiles back and says, “I had been waiting for you to remember”

14^th February, 2059

Getting up early in the morning, I try to look at the calendar

It is February, the fourteenth or is it nineteenth?

I rub my eyes and look at it closely

What difference does it make?

Everyday is the same…

I walk into the living room, slowly

Looking around, taking in the quiet of the morning

As usual, I get out and start for my usual walk

Taking in the fresh morning air and rejuvenating myself

I continue walking until I see the young girls next door pass by

They were smiling and seemed pretty excited

They stop to wish me a good morning

And a ‘Happy Valentine’s day!’

Oh! It is Valentine’s Day today

I forgot to wish her, as always

I go back home, and say my thing before I forget

In my haste I forget to notice that she is not wearing her hearing aid

She looks at me blankly and says, “Why do you always forget your glasses at home

And now, you grumble. I was worried sick myself and was waiting for you to come back.”

YOU AND I...

You and I...

We are together this moment
And nothing matters to me more

When I look into your eyes
I see love there that belongs to me, only me

It feels wonderful when I realize
How the word 'I' now embraces both 'you' and 'I'


I can't think of being away from you
Nor can I imagine my life without you

Not that I didn't have a life before you
But now, I just can't think about how I lived back then

Now, my life is filled with you, only you and so is my world
And now, I don't just 'LOVE' you, but I 'LIVE' you!!!

AFTER LOOSING HER...

Skin pale and white; as white as the bed sheet, on which she lay.
Face wrinkled; the folds seem to grow by the minute.
Drained of blood; life seems to be slipping off silently from her weak body.
Eyes closed, as if in a deep sleep; in peace with the world.
Hair scantier and whiter than ever; her age suddenly seems doubled.
Thin tubes running through her nostrils, lips slightly agape.
A wired clip on a finger of her left arm and an I.V. adorning it; rudely needled into a bulging blue vein on the back side of her palm.
My old woman was feebly fighting with death and we all know the outcome of the struggle.
I see no movement in her. She is as still as a stone.
The machine behind me is still beeping rhythmically and the quickly disappearing misty film in her oxygen mask is being replaced continually; I understand that she hasn't yet given in.
I walk away from her, stand at the window, looking out at nothing in particular.
"What should I do now?" I ask myself, "Whom should I turn to when I'm distressed? Whom should I seek when I need company? Who will be there for me, with me in this old age?"
Our fights, our reconciliations; Our arguments, our agreements; where would they all go now? Am I supposed to be content with memories, just memories?
I feel blank and numb, as I recollect the life I'd spent with her:
The beautiful girl, who blushed red the first time I looked into those pretty little eyes.
The wonderful lover, who easily slid into my arms when I sought her arm.
The sensitive dame, who shed tears when I was angry with her.
The passionate woman, who cried out of happiness when we were united in a wedlock for ever.
The crazy lady, who screamed and hurled things at me when she was mad at me.
The loving mother, who was the best my kids could ever have.
My best friend, my solace, my love and my everything.
Unconsciously, I smile as I remember every phase of our lives we'd had together-the good moments, the bad ones, the bittersweet times that we had shared-the first touch, the first kiss, the first child, the first house, the first car...the last kiss, the last breakfast together, the last fight, the last holiday... the first everything and the last everything.
I go back to her and touch the back of her hand, it is as cold as ice. I look at her face and am taken aback! Her eyes are open! Her lips are bent in a beautiful smile! She still looks stunning.
Without warning, the machine behind me suddenly emits a continuous sound. Alarmed, I shoot it a look and teary-eyed, I look at her again. Her pretty little eyes are still looking at me, lovingly and the mist in the oxygen mask clears out completely to reveal her smile.
Looking at her now, I decide: Of course! Her memories are enough to keep me going. She is not here with me, but her love is.
I bend forward, kiss her palm and tuck it safely inside the blanket, as tears stream down my cheeks.
I get up slowly, take my stick and walk out towards my children, who wait anxiously to abide by my wish to have a last few minutes alone with my wife!
Ironically, they turn out to be her last minutes too!!

YOU AREN'T HERE...

At first, there were tears
And then, when the reality dawned upon me harder, there were more tears
And then, there was this intense pain
Excruciating, stabbing at my heart mercilessly
Shooting through my veins, making me wince, cry out loud
For you aren't here to comfort me...


And then I was tired
Tried of all the crying, tired of the pain I'd been through
Surprised I'm not yet dead
Its now a void, an abyss, a nothingness
For you aren't here to fill me and complete me


I close my eyes, I drift off into a deep sleep
Not wanting to get up
I want to believe its all a nightmare
And I would find you here beside me when I wake up
But you aren't here to say in your calm quite voice, "trust me."


"It was a dream. Wasn't it?" I ask people when I do wake up, occasionally
They keep their sad lips pursed
The answer written on their faces
I go back to sleep, afraid to get up and face the music
For you aren't here to give me strength


People advise me to let in some fresh air
Take a short walk , feel the bright sun
But I want all the doors closed,
All the windows shut and all the shutters drawn
I want darkness all around me
I want to lose myself in it
I want it to engulf me, eat me up
For you aren't here to pull me out, lock me in your embrace, look into my eyes and say, "everything is gonna be alright"


I feel numb, feel no pain now
I neither laugh, nor cry
I neither sigh, nor do I smile
I'm dead inside
For you aren't here to make me feel alive


I had never had to think about this earlier
But now that you are gone,
I realize...
Your life was my life
Your death is my death


And then...
As days pass, the cloud begins to clear, the wounds heal
A thin ray of fresh light from somewhere enters
Bringing with it a new hope
A voice within me emerges from nowhere
I realize... that it belongs to you!


It smiles at me, soothes me
Guides me into a new life
Helps me build it anew, emerge from the ruins
A life, which is not as beautiful
But still, it is what it is... 'LIFE'


I slowly learn, all over again
To talk, to smile like a baby taking its first lessons
To laugh when something is funny
To cry when I feel sad
Its you and your voice that do the magic, once again
And I fall in love with you all over again


I finally learn...
You aren't here, but your love is still with me
You aren't here, but I still need to be
To love you forever
To remain here as a sign of your love
To remember you and cherish the memory of your existence
And... to live my life!!!




Inspired from the book P.S. I Love You (by Cecelia Ahern)

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE?

Someone changes your world just by coming into it
Someone lightens up your day just by giving you a smile
Someone makes you lose yourself with just a tender touch
Someone sets you ablaze with just a light kiss

You think about the 'someone' day and night
You crave to spend your life in the 'someone's' arms
You'd love to lose time looking into the 'someone's' eyes
You'd feel incomplete without the 'someone' beside you

It is a funny thing... this love
It makes you think, it makes you insane
It is a strange thing... this love
It makes you laugh, it makes you cry
It is a weird thing... this love
It makes you sacrifice, it makes you selfish

But...
It is a nice thing... this love
It makes you sigh, it makes you smile
It is a great thing... this love
It makes you want to live, it makes you want to die!!!

ARCHAIC ROMANCE...

"We'll be back soon, mom!"
"See you grandpa"
"Bye, granny"
I stood there, on the porch, waving happily. He stood beside me, doing the same, smiling. My bigger children sauntered down the walkway, noisily, chatting, joking and laughing as their children- my grandchildren skipped and hopped around their respective parents. The air was charged and lively. I just caught a glimpse of my youngest daughter, who was now eight months pregnant, clasping her husband's arm as he led her on slowly and my eldest son slapping the youngest one playfully on his back and the whole group erupted in another fit of laughter, as they rounded the corner and disappeared.
Silence...
I stood for a few seconds looking at nothing in particular, smiling contentedly and turned to him to make some remark on how nice our kids had turned out to become. But the porch was empty. He was gone. I hadn't realized when he had gone in, so noiselessly. Didn't he share the wondrous sight i had just enjoyed? Or didn't he care?
A not-so-uncommon remark of my feminist sister crossed my mind. "Men," she said, "are emotionally dead human beings."
I walked back into the house, into the bedroom, deep in contemplation, to check on the twins. The twins- a boy and a girl, only a few moths old, belonged to one of my daughters. They were left behind under my care. The original plan, an evening walk for my pregnant daughter and her husband, when materialized, embraced everybody else, leaving out the two too young and two too old people in the house.
I stared at the twins sleeping peacefully, marveling at them, when I spotted a faint smile on the boy's sleeping face. I was overwhelmed. I hadn't noticed it earlier, but my grandchild had the same smile- the smile I had grown addicted to, after all these years. It was 'his' smile. Now, I looked closer searching for any other similarities between the little boy and his grandfather. There was a sound outside and when I turned back, I realized that it was soft music. As the much familiar notes filled the air, I sprinted into the living room. It was a mess-ribbons, balloons, remains of food strewn all over. The huge banner screaming, "WELCOME INTO THE FAMILY, TWINS!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!" was half trailing on the floor, its other end still managed to hang on to the temporary support on the wall. Amidst all this turmoil, he stood there, as if unaffected by it, oblivious to it, his eyes on me, smiling. Looking at his smile now, I was surer that it had passed on to his grandson.
"Remember the song?" his voice barged into my thoughts. Of course! Could I ever forget it? This was the song we loved to dance to. This was the song we had first danced to. Hell, this was the song we had ever danced to. But it was so many years ago. Back then, I was young, energetic, beautiful. Now, I was old, tired and well... not so beautiful.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice when he had walked towards me and stretched out his hand and said the famous words, "Ma'am, dance?" His first words I'd ever heard, many years back. Then, I was a lot shy and hesitant. Now, though I was shy, I was sure and happy to oblige.
He gently took my hand, placed it over his shoulder and I buried my face in the hollow of his neck, feeling against my cheek, his steady pulse-a contradiction to an erratic one, back then. I felt his arms tightening around me, the same way as they had always done, as if protecting me from the world. The strength of his embrace was still the same. He held my palm against his and out fingers locked as we gently rocked to and fro to the rhythm.
I looked at his fingers and the back of his hand. The skin was wrinkled. I smiled. He was old! Who am I kidding? Am I growing any younger? I looked at his face and eyes were looking at me as if questioning my amusement. I kissed him on his cheek and said in whisper, "I love you, old man."
He smiled. "I know," he said and touched the tip of my nose lightly. I immediately wrinkled it, involuntarily, something in which, he found a great amusement. He laughed out loud and said, "you are cute" and I blushed.
It was all the same. All these years passed by and changed so much in our lives. The only thing that was left untouched was probably the way we felt for each other.
There were times when we had fought for each other, there were times when we had fought against each other.
There were times when we'd wanted to take a break from each other, there were times when we'd wanted to take a break from the world, to be alone with each other.
Some times we'd drifted apart from each other. But then, at the end of the day, we'd come home to each other.
We had laughed together, enjoyed the happy times together.
We had cried together, found solace in each other's company during the hard times.
All that we'd faced together had only succeeded in strengthening the bond that we shared. Nothing could ruffle it. Nobody could meddle with it.
I danced with him as always, losing myself in him, losing track of time.
I was shook out of my thoughts when I heard a noise.
"Looks like the kids are back," he grumbled, impatiently. I smiled and said slowly, still holding him tight, "I thought of cleaning up this mess before they came home."
He immediately broke away from me. " Don't ask me to help. I'm tired." And off he went. I gritted my teeth as I remembered another one of my sister's frequent remarks. "Men," she said, "are the laziest class of human beings."

PUZZLING CONTRAST...

How much ever I wonder
I haven't the slightest clue
To this day, I keep puzzling
How you do what you do

What is it that I feel so intensely for you?
I sometimes wonder
All these feelings get so confusing
And at times, they do bother

I'll never understand, how much ever I try
I have contrasting feelings for you, at the same time
And though they confuse me always, I must admit
They make me feel so light, yet grand and at times, sublime

Because you are so gorgeous
I look at you and I think I'm filled with vicious lust
But, surprisingly, its not just the desire that eats me away
I'm longing for something much more, which is better than the best

And then, my heart cries out of hurt, from somewhere deep within
When I see even a single tear in your eye
But I am much more glad
When its me you are crying for, because I know, eyes don't lie

One thing I know for sure
That nothing can ever tear us apart
Yet, I am so scared of the thought of loosing you
And this fear is very deeply-seated in my heart

Sometimes, you are amazing and you enthrall me
So much that I get tried of being just 'me'
At times, you are irksome and you enrage me
Yet, all I want is the happening of 'WE'!!!

AN IMAGE FFROM THE BEAUTIFUL PAST...

I felt a tugging at my shirt and I looked down. A little child was trying to get my attention, looking up at me and smiling. It was a little girl, with an oddly familiar pair of large, dark, lively eyes and an even more intimate, smile. I was baffled! The resemblance was stark and striking.
They were the same black eyes. It was the same innocent smile. They were the two things I first got attracted to, so many years ago.
I was still speculating, fascinated, when I heard a voice-a voice that keeps ringing in my ears to this day, almost every morning, every night, all these years. I couldn't believe my ears! It was the same voice! It was her voice! I immediately spun around and there she was, walking quickly towards me, looking at her child, anxious! No sooner had her eyes turned towards me, than she stopped dead in her tracks and as I had expected, her eyes registered surprise and awe. Or was she shocked?
Those eyes... gazing into which, I used to see my own image, yet, completely forgot myself, utterly lost myself in their soft gaze...That was so many years back. Now I'm seeing them again, looking at me the same way they did back then. Her eyes were still the same, large, liquid, expressive. They looked just the same, except for a vague trace of the apparently newly-appearing crow's feet at their edges.
Now, as she blinked, a dark curl of her hair swept across her face, brushing her skin lightly. Unconsiously, her hand raised to her face, and she twisted the lucious ringlet, between two of her long, slim fingers and tucked it discreetly behind her ear, gracefully, just like how she used to do when she caught me staring appreciatively at the curls of her hair flying against her face. Her hair...into which, I gladly buried my face, inhaling its dainty frangrance and played with it, feeling its softness...That was so many years back. Her hair still looked the same, excpet for a few grey strands here and there.
And now, I could see her lower lip trembling slightly. She immediately caught it tight between her teeth, sending a shot of pain across my heart. I wanted to run to her and rescue her lip of the menacing hold between her teeth. Her rosy lips...which always had an innocent, never-ending smile. Her lips...which had felt so soft and passionately receptive when I kissed.
She looked the same-exactly the same. '...except that she'd gained a little weight,' the logical corner of my mind tried to intervene. But my eyes and my heart proclaimed that she still looked gorgeous. For me, undoubtedly, she is the most beautiful woman in the whole world. If anything, her womanly grace seemed more beautiful than her frilly innocence. There was this mysterious dignity about her now, which looked like a perfect blend of maturity and chastity.
I, myself, was surprised at the reaction of my own body and heart to her presence. There was no hunger, no urgency, like before. But still, just like before, my heart still beat fast and galloped, threatening to jump right out of me, at that moment. And my body, though didnt show any signs of carnal desire, still craved for her soothing, reassuring touch, telling me silently that everything is going to be alright.
Yes! I wish she were mine. I wish she were with me now. I knew it was impossible. What I didnt know was whether she felt the same about me. I wished I could read her thoughts. I wished I could ask her what was going on in her mind. I wished I could talk to her just once.
She opened her mouth as if about to say something. And as we gazed at each other, neither of us noticed her daughter running towards her. When the little girl hugged her mother, she gave a start as if she woke up from sleep. She looked at her little child and again at me. Resigningly, she picked up her daughter and tearing her eyes away from me, she turned away. I wouldn't swear on it, but I thought I had seen a tear spilling out of one of her eyes, just like it did on that fateful day, many years back, when fate tore us apart. Through misty eyes, I just looked on as she walked away from me again, after all these years.

THE FLYING TIME...

They bring a smile onto the lips
They bring tears into the eyes
The echo of sweet voices reverberating in the ears
And then, an involuntary and heavy sigh
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

That running in the green pastures with their little white blossoms
That ignoring the broken twigs tearing and scratching tiny bare feet
That tripping and falling, being helped up onto the feet again
That squealing joyfully, singing and racing across hand-in-hand
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

That pouring over the year's books just one day before the exam
That waiting tensly for the inevitable 'death sentence'
That crying over someone's shoulder dreading failure
That partying hard into the night celebrating success
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

That sharing a secret joke across the table strewn with unhealthy food
That burst of laughter at one of the friends, who stared humiliated
That springing of surprises, endless gossiping, dancing and howling into the sleepless night
That tearful farewell, those kisses, hugs, tears and more tears
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

That first crush, a boundless attraction, those knowing winks, oohs and aahs
That game of secret admiration, eying one another
That naked bathing in the moon light on an eerily dreamy night
That falling in and out of love and that heart-break
The time could have stood still, but it just flew by...

Those reminiscences...
Just one step back in the past
There are so many of them, to last a life time
Those memories...
Just one look back at the life lived
There are still so fresh unaffected by the flying time

AN EMOTIONAL LABYRINTH...

"Only a week from now," I told myself.
Oh my God! It is a week!
Not a day or two!
It is a whole Goddamn week!
Seven days! Seven restless days appended by seven sleepless nights...
"Do all the girls in my situation feel the way?" I wondered.
I wouldn't want to say that I entirely disliked the sudden rush of emotions I had begun to experience these days. I wouldn't even want to say that I liked them.
What I'm going through is a strange mixture of pleasure and displeasure; a combination of fright and tranquility. It is strength and weakness ensembled; enigma and euphoria blended with each other.
Am I nervous? Hell yes! I'm! I'm absolutely nervous! Completely freaked out!
And worse, I started imagining all sorts of absurd things.
Too many questions started ravaging my mind, causing an interminable havoc there.
What if something really terrible happens on that day? What if I trip and fall down in front of him? What if I become unconscious? (and that did seem like a certainty looking at the way I'm going on right now) God! That would surely be a disaster!
What if he doesn't like me? What if he doesn't find me beautiful? What if he thinks I'm ugly? What if he doesn't like the way I talk? What if he thinks I wont make a good wife for him? What if he is already in love with someone else and has agreed to come here due to the persistence of his parents?
What if he doesn't meet my expectations? What if he is a freak? What if he turns out to be some sort of a lunatic? What if...What if...What if...?
What has happened to my adamantly maintained self confidence and the always accompanying rationality and reasoning? Where had they vanished?
My head started spinning and I collapsed into a chair.
I know nothing about him. I know absolutely nothing. Except for his name, which continually keeps ringing in my ears, owing to my noisy family, who now seem to find immense pleasure in teasing me, taking his name again and again (I'd hate to admit it but, I enjoy it too) and his picture, his awfully nice picture that they had shown me only a few days back, the picture I'd been tempted to steal a look at at every possible opportunity, I know nothing about him. I don't even know what his voice sounds like.
Yet, here I'm unable to think of nothing but him, thinking of how marriage with him would be like. Weird huh? Arranged marriage matches do seem a little weird. But that is the beauty in them.
I'd never foreseen the anticipation and nervousness that has now engulfed me completely. I want to 'fast forward' the time and go ahead of the week separating me from that fateful day. At the same time, I don't want to loose all this waiting and the thrilling suspense. And at the same time, I also want to stop the time here, run away from my house, away from the noise, excitement and laughter, away from the charged air and hide somewhere, bury myself somewhere.
I spoke at lenght to my best friends to quieten my racing nerves. It gave me a momentary solace. But nah! No amount of talk, meditation or efforts to distract my mind proved fruitful.
I need something else, something more. I need to clear my mind off things. I need to sit and think. I need to sit and write.
Well, here I'm trying hard to get myself together, penning down and sorting out all my confusion and my irregular, clogged thoughts... trying to clear my emotional labyrinth!!!

WHY??!!

Why does the world look so beautiful?
Why is it suddenly filled with nothing but you?
Why was I destined to meet you?
Why was I meant to fall madly in love with you?

Why does a simple 'good morning' from you make me blush?
Why does the sound of your laughter melt my insides?
Why are my days and nights filled with thoughts about you?
Why cant I just get you out of my system?

Why do I always feel like talking to you?
Why do I always feel like listening to your voice?
Why do I miss you even when I'm with you?
Why cant I just get enough of you?

Why cant I even endure the thought of loosing you?
Why do I want to loose myself in your arms?
Why do I feel like living for you?
Why do I feel like dying for you?

Why is it that I cant be yours?
Why is it that I still love you?
Why does thinking about you hurt so much?
Why do I still feel like reveling in the pain?

Why cant I ever hate you?
Why cant I hate myself for loving you?
Why do I keep asking these questions over and over again?
Yet...why cant I find answers to any?

THE PERFECT ARRANGEMENT...

Major part of our country's population is opting for arranged marriages. Reason: I am not sure either, as I am not an analyst or a psychologist. But I guess it is because Indians, many of them, if not all, heart-in heart, do not want to change the age-old traditions. However, I was never interested in a marriage arranged by my parents. It is not that I don't trust them, but it is because I didn't like the idea at all. I always thought love happens, naturally. It should and can never be arranged. And also, what do my parents know about what kind of a guy I want. So, I had set out searching for my 'natural love.' I had tried everything under the sky. I had gone out with a few, had made new friends, I searched faces desperately and even went to the extent of blind dating. But no! I'd never found anyone who had interested me enough for a second meeting at least. My parents, naturally, were worried.
"How long do you choose to stay unmarried?" my father asked me one night, quite abruptly. Such situations were not entirely new to me and I tried to cut him off.
"Listen!" he said, this time, a little stern, "I don't understand what you have got against arranged marriages."
"Dad, I told you this so many times," I tried to reason with him, "it sounds like a business deal and I don't my life to be settled like one."
"If you fee that way," my dad continued, making it clear to me that this time, he is not going to give up that easily, "do you think there is no love in our marriage? Don't you believe that your mother and I love each other. Ours was an arranged marriage, you know?"
But, I was not convinced. "Dad, you lived in a different time. Times change dad. Today, the whole perspective of marriage has changed..." I was about to say something else.
But, my dad snapped, "nothing has changed." Looking at my expression, he seemed to soften up a little. He continued softly, "there is my friend's son..."
"Oh no!" I interjected, "not again!"
"Please," he said more persuasively, "at least, listen to me. We think he is perfect for you. Just meet him once. Just once. If you don't like him, I promise you, I'll never try to convince you again in this matter."
I thought for a moment.
I wasn't sure, for a moment, which one was more attractive- was it the promise that dad made or was it my anxiety to see which kind of a man my parents thought would be perfect for me. I couldn't wait to prove them wrong. After all, they dint know what I actually wanted!
Somehow, what ever the reason was, I agreed to go out with 'the perfect guy.'
I was dressed quite plainly and dint take any special effort to look beautiful. All I was interested in was to get this ordeal done with, rush home and voice my rejection of my parent's 'perfect guy.'
It turned out I was partly right. When he arrived, he neither took my breath away, nor made my heart skip a beat. He was just like this ordinary-looking guy, who wouldn't turn many heads.
"Strike one!" I thought, triumphantly. How could my parents even think we would fit in together? He smiled uncertainly and let his hand out to introduce himself. His grip was firm. But, nah! The handshake was so business -like. And that was what I loathed the most- making marriage a 'business.'
But when he had started talking, a little reservedly at first, and then more openly later, in spite of myself, I was a little amused. And then, he smiled. Hmmm... he actually didn't look that bad when he smiled. In fact, if I had met him at another place, at another time, under different circumstances, I would have called him attractive. But now, he is my parent's choice. He couldn't be that good. Or could he?
As time progressed, I couldn't help enjoying myself more and more. Soon, I became aware of a contradiction to my earlier thoughts shaping up in my mind. He was actually good, very good. What surprised me the most was how much alike we both were. My father wasn't joking when he had said, 'perfect for me.' And until now, I wasn't aware that my parents knew so much about me, so much that they have chosen this man for me.
I couldn't be more sorry when the meeting (or I would rather call it a really lovely date) was over. With all my thoughts turned topsy-turvy, I let him drive me home. I shyly bade him good night and disappeared into my room, without even a word for my anxious parents. That was my ego!
But truly speaking, I couldn't wait for out next meeting, which I suspected wasn't far away.
A few weeks later, one night, after yet another great evening, at my door, he said a little hesitantly, "I should tell you something." I was a little alarmed at the tone of his voice, as I didn't want anything to spoil what we were having. Now, all I wanted to do was to admit to my parents that I was wrong and they were right, absolutely right! Oh! how right they were!
"I was really not very interested in meeting you, in the beginning," he said, evidently trying to put his words carefully and he added hastily, "only in the beginning, not now." He searched my face and said slowly, "I always felt love should come, all by itself. No can can set it up. But, my parents..." I needn't listen to the rest. I smiled and could feel it growing by the time he finished, "I didn't think I would say this to a girl after knowing her for such a little time but," he paused, moved nearer to me, as my heart started beating wildly, "but I think I'm falling in love...I am falling in love with you."
Only a few months later, we were married.

BREAK UP...

The wind was gentle and cool. The full moon shone brightly in the night sky, enveloping the surrounding area in a silvery white embrace. I was walking bare-footed in the soft sand, beside him, hand-in hand, my palm enjoying the warmth of his. I felt as if I was dancing to the music of the waves lapping against the shore.

What more do I want? I wished this moment would never end. I sighed sadly, reminding myself that by tomorrow at the same time I would be thousands of miles away from here, away from him.

This was where I belonged, with him, beside him, close to him. This was what I wanted, to be able to see his face, his eyes and his smile always. I smiled contentedly.

Who said maintaining long distance relationships was hard? In love, distances never matter! To people in love all that matters is love, trust and a sense of belonging to each other.

The very thought of not being able to snuggle close to him in bed, see him sleeping peacefully beside me when I wake up in the morning brought tears into my eyes. If only he made a promise of commitment, a commitment that would last a lifetime, I would happily give up my career and everything else just to be with him, live with him, make him happy. I wondered when that moment would arrive and I suspected that it was not very far away.

I looked at him. He stared ahead blankly. It was strange because he was never usually quiet. In fact, he had been quiet most of the day and I surely didn’t like it. Something is bothering him.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” I finally broke the silence, and stopped walking, my hand still in his. He started and looked at me with the same boyish innocence that made me go gaga over him a few years back, drove me nuts and resulted in me spending numerous sleepless nights when I first got attracted to him.

But, hold on! Something was missing there today. I tried looking deeper. Something didn’t look good. He is surely hiding something from me. Was it something related to us? Me?

“What’s bothering you? Are you alright?” I asked him half-suspiciously.

“No,” he stammered, “I mean…yes. No!”

“Honey,” I said touching his cheek lightly with my other hand, “what ever it is, you know you can tell me.”

He looked at me nervously. His eyes spoke for me, though his lips didn’t move. Suddenly, something he had said earlier flashed in my mind.

“I had no idea maintaining long-distance relationships is this hard. Why does it have to be this way?” he had said. I hadn’t paid much attention to it back then. But now, I could read the message plainly on his face.

“I can’t do this,” he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

The implication of the last few words had crossed my mind and I slowly retracted my hand from his, moving away from him, in sheer horror.

“You don’t mean it, do you?” I could barely find my voice. Tears welled up in my eyes. His own eyes grew moist as he looked at me and meekly whispered, “I’m really sorry!”

I wanted to scream at him.

I wanted pummel him.

I wanted to fall on my knees and beg him to give ‘us’ another chance.

I wanted to faint.

I wanted to die.

I wanted to do anything, anything at all that would change his mind.

But one look at his face and I understood that it was all over.

I had traveled for what seemed like and eternity just to see his smiling face, to hear him say, “I love you,” not “its over.” No! I can’t bear hearing him say that!

Oh! How much I wished this was all a nightmare. I can open my eyes and it would be over.

Oh! How much I want him to take me into his arms and say that it was all a joke!

How much I want him to kiss me!

How much I want to hear him assuring me that he would always be there for me!

But, he just stood there staring at his feet like a faulty schoolboy. Why doesn’t he say anything? Does he think that there’s nothing left to say? Well! If that is what he wants, if he thinks he doesn’t need me anymore, so be it.

I quietly moved away as my heart grew heavy, tears streaming down my face and started walking away from him, never looking back at him once.

With every step I took, I felt the distance between us growing, I felt a pain like never before- the pain of tearing myself apart from him. I still hoped he would stop me. He didn’t. As there was nothing else left for me to do over here, I walked into the darkness.

JUST FOR THIS MOMENT

When I reach home after a tiring day,
I see you there, and your never-dying smile
So fresh, so pure, Re energizing and rejuvenating
Its then that I feel that I'm blessed
I'd lived all my life just for this moment...

When you're asleep, peaceful beside me
Far off in your dreams, you blush and you smile
So innocent, so naive, Relaxing and regaling
Its then that I feel that I'm blessed
I'd lived all my life just for this moment...

When I'm in a mess, all worked up
I feel your palm on my shoulder
So bold, so strong, Reassuring and restoring
Its then that I feel that I'm blessed
I'd lived all my life just for this moment...

When you embrace me, let me hold you in my arms
I close my eyes, enjoying your touch
So soft, so near, Reviving and reuniting
Its then that I feel that I'm blessed
I'd lived all my life just for this moment...

I'd lived all my life to see you smile
I'd lived all my life to feel your touch
I'd lived all my life to be loved by you and...
to love you!!!

HATE TO SAY...GOODBYE

You are special, mysterious and so much wild

You are packed with surprises unlimited

Life with you is like a miracle

And without you, it is lonesome and lull

I’d waited for so long now

Waited for your love…

Waited for you to open up

Waited for ‘us' to happen

I’d hate to say ‘goodbye’

But now, I can’t help it…

You seem so close to my heart some times

Yet, at other times, you look like a total stranger

But at the end of the day,

You make me feel so good

Make me realize the truth all over again that

You are my love, You are my life

You are my pain, You are my pleasure

You are my only hope, You are my destiny

I’d hate to say ‘goodbye’

But now, it is inevitable…

Its true…

I miss your laughter

I miss your tender touch

I miss your kiss

Miss all the moments I’d shared with you

I miss your love and…my life

I’d hate to ‘goodbye’

But now, I have no other choice...

THE REJECTION...

"I'm supposed to reject him," I reminded myself again.
this is not the first time I am rejecting a man's love. In fact, earlier, I had carried off the routine with a handful of men, without any damage- "You are a very nice man. I like you. But, sorry...I am not ready for any sort of commitments right now..." and so on.
But, now, I have this strange feeling that this one is going to be more difficult than the others. Besides the fact that he is my best friend, there is something else- something indefinite, something indefinable that tells me that tonight is not an easy night...
I had been acutely aware of his feelings for me for the past few months, owing to the indications he had been giving me. Somehow, I hadn't taken any of them seriously. Nor did I give them much of a thought as I had assumed that the disaster is a thing of distant future. Unfortunately, it landed very soon- a lot sooner than I had expected.
The meaning was unmistakable and he left me in no doubt regarding his intentions.
"It is about us," he said over the phone in the morning, "meet me tonight."
No sir! commitment is the last thing on my mind, right now... "Sure," I heard myself saying, "I'll be there."
Since then, I could hardly think of anything else. At Lunch too, I could hardly eat anything and now, I'm starved.
"Stop staring at the mirror, you fool," I scolded myself as I brushed my hair again. I had spent more time than usual in front of the mirror, dressing with extreme care.
"I'm supposed to reject him," I said sternly to the mirror. I was satisfied as my voice was apparently firm. But what am I doing all this for? God save me!!!
--------
He sat there quite comfortably and as soon as he saw me, he stood up with courtesy. He was staring at me, admiring and my heart sank. Damn it! I gave him a smile- a real big one. Stop smiling! Just stop it!!
"You... You look beautiful," he said almost inaudibly, taking my arm. Oh no! I blushed! What the hell am I doing?
He isn't taking his eyes off me and the way he looked at me made me feel weak in my knees. I thought they would give away. I hurriedly sank down into the chair before he could pull it for me.
He ordered everything that I liked a lot. He knows so much about me...my favourite food, my favourite movies...my favourite...shut up!!!
I hardly touched anything as I was too nervous to eat.
But why am I nervous? Isn't he supposed to be nervous?
Look at him...he is so calm, so composed.
And look at me...I am acting like a fool.
"Anything wrong?" he said, touching my hand lightly, "you are not eating anything?"
Yes! It is all wrong! I am not supposed to feel this way...Hell! I am supposed to reject you!!! "No...nothing. It is...ah...I am not hungry," I lied, giggling like a stupid school girl.
He looked at me, concerned. "Shall we dance?" he said, apparently trying to make me feel comfortable. I'm not here to dance with you, young man! I am here to reject you! "Sure."
He took my arm once again and this time, his touch did wonders to me. I was lost...loosing control...I was walking on the clouds!
He led me to the dance floor and gently pulled me closer to him, my arms on his shoulders and his on my waist...there I was dancing with the man I am going to reject, feeling things I had never felt before. God! Don't do this to me!
He looked at me, into my eyes and any Little control I still had over myself was now, completely lost. I was hypnotised...by his charm... by his touch...
I wanted to break free and flee. I wanted to blurt out all that I had rehearsed at home, earlier today- that I don't love him! I don't love him? Is that true??? Don't I love him?
Or do I?? I love him??? "I love you!"
It was a totally different voice. I stopped dancing abruptly unable to believe my ears. He stared at me, dumbstruck. Or was he elated? I couldn't place the expression on his face. But all he did was kiss me lightly and say, "I never thought you would say it."
"Neither did I," I whispered, smiling, as my heart sang happily the new song it had learnt only a few seconds earlier...I love him...I love him...
He kissed me again, this time with passion...setting my heart soaring in the skies... I rested my head on his chest as he drew me closer and there we were...silently dancing the night away!! Just the two of us...oblivious to the world surrounding us!!!!!!!!