YOU AND I...

You and I...

We are together this moment
And nothing matters to me more

When I look into your eyes
I see love there that belongs to me, only me

It feels wonderful when I realize
How the word 'I' now embraces both 'you' and 'I'


I can't think of being away from you
Nor can I imagine my life without you

Not that I didn't have a life before you
But now, I just can't think about how I lived back then

Now, my life is filled with you, only you and so is my world
And now, I don't just 'LOVE' you, but I 'LIVE' you!!!

YOUR WRATH...

I finally took the courage to look at you
It has been so many days, but the pain was still there, clearly written on your face
Just one careless sentence and I broke your heart
Oh! What have I done?
I looked at your eyes, they were still raining fire
You looked back at me, as if daring me

I know not now how to take it back
Oh how I wish I had never said that !
How I wish we could go back to what we were!
How I wish I had used my head back then!
How I wish I could turn back time and change it all!
And Now, as I look at you, I still know not how to make amends

I want to say sorry
But I know it is too small a word to express my regret
Too small to disclose the war that is being raged inside of me
I swear I had never hated myself more
I couldn't look at you anymore and dropped my eyes, bent my head again, like a guilty prisoner
Guilty, I was! Guilty as hell!

I wanted to fall on my knees and beg for your forgiveness
But it was as if my knees are made of stone and
My voice got stuck in my throat
Oh please don't look at me like that
I feel like running away, I feel like dying
I feel like filth for hurting you

Oh please don't walk away like that
Please talk to me, please look at me
With those eyes piercing through my heart
So hard that I could feel the pain
All I need is to ask for another chance and
It wasn't supposed to be so hard

I gathered enough courage to croak, "mom"
Awkwardly, cowardly, feebly and shamefully
You looked back, still looking at me as if daring me
I deserved it and I knew it
So I went on, first stuttering, stammering and unsure
Looking here and there, avoiding those eyes of yours

But when I did glance at your face, I knew
You had been waiting for this, as much as I did
Now I looked straight into your wet eyes
I apologized, with moist eyes, I asked you for another chance
You smiled, the fire long gone from your eyes, with love and reverence in its place
As for me, I felt so light, so light that I thought I was floating in the sky!

A PEACOCK QUILL STORY...

The mansion was silent and I was idle. Yes! I was idle! After so many years.


The kids had gone off to their school and my husband to his work. As for my work, I had it organized enough to take care of itself even in my brief absence.


I looked around myself and found nothing to comfort my racing nerves. Was it a good idea? The doctors say anything. Do they know me better than myself?


I remembered the doctor’s words, “you have to slow down, take some time off,” and that’s what I was doing. I was suddenly tempted to rush into my den, the place I retreat to in the midst of every night, when I get jerked off my sleep, just to see my laptop and may be just sit there a while, check a couple of mails, finish a couple of errands (though they could have waited till morning). And that was what got my family alarmed. I’m a workaholic. I knew that. But it isn’t a disease. Is it?


Why has it suddenly become so difficult to think of something else other than home and work? It was not so when I was a little girl, was it? What did I ever do when I was small? I remember running. Yes! I ran a lot! I ran at home, I ran outside, I ran in the school. I remember I had a little doll, and all my energy went into looking after it. I smiled. And suddenly, a thought struck. I know what I could do now!


It was as if I was transported back to my childhood. I ran across the hall- not like how I do every morning, before rushing off to my office, but I ran like how I used to do when I was little. I ran straight into the dusty store room. I rummaged through layers and layers of stuff that hadn’t been used for years. I never had any idea before now how much filth I owned. What was I storing all this stuff for anyway?


After an incredibly long time, I finally found what I was looking for. The large box was old; the surface of it was peeling off. On the top was my name, barely visible, scribbled in blue- I remembered my mother’s handwriting, the characteristic scrawl, when she wrote in hurry, all the while issuing warnings and concerns, for I was going to live all alone, for the first time in my life.


I lifted the awfully heavy box and carried it into my bedroom, set it on the floor and carefully started removing the things from it, one-by-one, the things I had cherished as a little girl, the things, though looked trivial now, but were so treasured once- a stack of papers splashed with colors, tiny dolls, old ribbons, a little book in which, I wrote meaningless poetry, countless number of shells, photographs of friends and family and so on…


It was when I was going through an old book that it flew down, straight into my lap. I picked it up gingerly. A peacock quill. It still felt soft. At first, I couldn’t remember owning it and then slowly, it all started coming back, in bits and pieces.


Where I had got it from or when I didn’t know, but it somehow ended up in my fairy tale book. It was the most colorful and beautiful thing I had ever possessed and I loved it. I was possessive of it. It was my secret possession and prized. I never showed it to my parents for the fear of parting with it. And one day, when I took it to school and showed it to my friends, they were full of awe. Some asked me to give it to them, some begged and some cried. But, I wouldn’t. Would I? I had it with me, day and night, where ever I went.


But I didn’t know what it ate! My best friend had suggested feeding it with grains. “Feed it well and the feather would grow. My grandmother told me. She had this magic feather when she was small. She had fed it well and the feather grew so big,” she said, stretching her arms wide. She said it had powers. It was a magical feather. I was overjoyed and surprised. Of course, it had powers!


I was so excited. I fed it with different grains. Ever day, my friend and I would peep into the fairy tale book and every time, we got overjoyed imagining 'the magic quill' had indeed grown a little.


For a few days, my life revolved around it. After a few days, I suddenly got bored of the peacock quill and I gradually forgot all about it and managed to push off its existence into oblivion and its memory into a deep, dark corner of my mind.


Wow! What a life it was! This is what is missing in my life. That passion! That innocence! That obtaining joy in the little things of life! This is all there is to life and happiness.


In pursuit of the biggies in life- studies, career, marriage, kids, money, status and power, we often forget living life, enjoying the things that bring us a lot of happiness. I had realized it now and had decided that becoming a little girl and living my life once in a while, wouldn’t hurt. Would it?

LEARNING REALITY...

Innocent heart filled with joy

Floats amidst the clouds

Envisages a colourful path ahead

Hopes, Fantasizes, Prays

Ignorant to the reality

Unaware of it's harshness

Two little hands; soft, fragile fingers

Yet bold and confident

Gradually, Prudently

Build block upon block

As the eyes spin

Dream upon dream...

Suddenly, without warning

A torrent breaks

Flooding everything on it's way

Spelling a spate of destruction

Hurling the carefully arranged blocks

In all directions possible

Mercilessly breaking them apart...

The hands, no longer soft

Withered with disappointment and defeat

With the precious dreams shattered

The eyes are filled with tears...

A broken heart filled with sorrow

Gropes in the dark

Tries to gather it's pieces

Cries, Laments, Mourns

Learning Reality

Knowing now, it's harshness...

AFTER LOOSING HER...

Skin pale and white; as white as the bed sheet, on which she lay.
Face wrinkled; the folds seem to grow by the minute.
Drained of blood; life seems to be slipping off silently from her weak body.
Eyes closed, as if in a deep sleep; in peace with the world.
Hair scantier and whiter than ever; her age suddenly seems doubled.
Thin tubes running through her nostrils, lips slightly agape.
A wired clip on a finger of her left arm and an I.V. adorning it; rudely needled into a bulging blue vein on the back side of her palm.
My old woman was feebly fighting with death and we all know the outcome of the struggle.
I see no movement in her. She is as still as a stone.
The machine behind me is still beeping rhythmically and the quickly disappearing misty film in her oxygen mask is being replaced continually; I understand that she hasn't yet given in.
I walk away from her, stand at the window, looking out at nothing in particular.
"What should I do now?" I ask myself, "Whom should I turn to when I'm distressed? Whom should I seek when I need company? Who will be there for me, with me in this old age?"
Our fights, our reconciliations; Our arguments, our agreements; where would they all go now? Am I supposed to be content with memories, just memories?
I feel blank and numb, as I recollect the life I'd spent with her:
The beautiful girl, who blushed red the first time I looked into those pretty little eyes.
The wonderful lover, who easily slid into my arms when I sought her arm.
The sensitive dame, who shed tears when I was angry with her.
The passionate woman, who cried out of happiness when we were united in a wedlock for ever.
The crazy lady, who screamed and hurled things at me when she was mad at me.
The loving mother, who was the best my kids could ever have.
My best friend, my solace, my love and my everything.
Unconsciously, I smile as I remember every phase of our lives we'd had together-the good moments, the bad ones, the bittersweet times that we had shared-the first touch, the first kiss, the first child, the first house, the first car...the last kiss, the last breakfast together, the last fight, the last holiday... the first everything and the last everything.
I go back to her and touch the back of her hand, it is as cold as ice. I look at her face and am taken aback! Her eyes are open! Her lips are bent in a beautiful smile! She still looks stunning.
Without warning, the machine behind me suddenly emits a continuous sound. Alarmed, I shoot it a look and teary-eyed, I look at her again. Her pretty little eyes are still looking at me, lovingly and the mist in the oxygen mask clears out completely to reveal her smile.
Looking at her now, I decide: Of course! Her memories are enough to keep me going. She is not here with me, but her love is.
I bend forward, kiss her palm and tuck it safely inside the blanket, as tears stream down my cheeks.
I get up slowly, take my stick and walk out towards my children, who wait anxiously to abide by my wish to have a last few minutes alone with my wife!
Ironically, they turn out to be her last minutes too!!

I'M A MOTHER...

The moment I took him in my arms, the wailing stopped. It was replaced by a soft mumbling. He seemed to feel at home. The wrinkles on his face gradually softened, the frown between his eyebrows unknotted and his features registered a look of peace. He looked happy and at peace with the world. Tears ran down my cheeks as I realized that he actually knew the feel of my touch. He moved his tiny limbs feebly, unlike his earlier frail attempts to kick them frantically in the air. I didn't even know how long I'd held him. I watched on as the world's most beautiful thing fell asleep in his mother's loving arms. Right then, I knew that he is the most important thing in my whole life and the best thing that had happened to me.

We were together almost all the time. My thoughts, my world, my everything spiralled down, centered around him. I spoke with him, even though people reminded me, "he is a little baby. He wouldn't understand a thing." I paid them a deaf ear. "My son is far more intelligent than they know. He understands everything I say," was my stubborn notion. I played all sorts of silly games with him. I had spent every waking moment with him, marvelling at him, thinking what I'd done to deserve this wonderful gift. And when I slept, I had him beside me, held on to him, afraid to part with him even for the fraction of a second.

His first word was 'ma', like I'd always known and imagined and my dear little boy didn't disappoint me. The sound was like music to my ears, the sweetest thing I'd ever heard till date. I could not stop crying the whole day.

He took his first step and I clapped and jumped, pride filling my heart.

He curled his tiny fingers around mine when he slept and I thought, "I'm his saviour."

He fell down, got hurt and I felt a piercing pain that seemed to tear my heart apart.

He cried if he didn't find me beside him when he woke up and I felt happy that he missed me.

He went off to school and I missed him terribly.

He brought home an ailing puppy one day and nursed it back to health and I was moved at his kindness.

He brought home a trophy another day and I was proud of his achievement.

And then...

He brought home a couple to his buddies and I knew his horizon was expanding.

He never seemed to be alone, and I understood that there are other people in his life now.

I dutifully packed his lunch boxes. which were mostly returned uneaten and I struggled to make tastier food for him.

I quietly looked on as he drove away to parties with his friends.

I craved for his company as he hardly stayed at home now.

My heart leapt with joy when he occasionally smiled at me or when he gave me a peck on my cheek.

I wished I could be like one of his friends, and I could have some of his time. I tried to bridge the generation gap between us.

And one fine day...

He brought home a beautiful girl said, "Ma, I'm in love. I want to marry her." I looked at his innocent face and suddenly realised how quickly time has passed, how big my boy has grown. This was bound to happen and I knew it. I had always wanted it to happen. Yet, it wasn't altogether clear to me if I was happy or sad.

I was overwhelmed that he would now be a man, have a family, a wife, kids and all. Yet, the thought that another woman became a lot more important for him made a lump form in my throat. Does he still love me? I fought back tears- I wasn't sure if they were happy tears and plastered a smile across my face to show my assent, lest he would become upset with me. I felt silly, like a stupid little girl.

Joy twinkled in his eyes as he came closer to me and gave a peck on my cheek, whispered in my ear, "I love you ma. You know you are the best!" He looked at me, gratitude in his eyes. Of course, my approval does matter to him. He does love me, my dear boy!!! The best son anyone could ever have!!!

I smiled and this time, I'm smiling with pure bliss!!!

Inspired from one of the most loving mothers I had ever seen (my mother-in-law)

WHY DO WE SHED TEARS?

Why do we shed tears?
A doctor says that tears are some sort of secretions of Lachrymal glands present at the base of your eyes.
A chemist says that tears have anti-bactericidal enzymes that protect the eyes.
But, are they just that- some salty drops of water oozing out of eyes, keeping them safe?
May be not...
A mother sheds tears, while dressing the bruises of her child...that is love.
A father sheds tears, when his child receives a trophy for his hard work...that is pride.
A teen-aged girl sheds tears watching an incredibly romantic movie, looking at the girl in absolute bliss, in the arms of her man...that is fantasy.
A lover sheds tears, when she terribly misses the love of her life...that is yearning.
A student sheds tears, when he flunks an exam...that is failure.
A new bride sheds tears, while leaving her loved ones behind to follow her husband into a new life...that is affection.
A wife sheds tears, when she can't reach her husband and for no apparent reason, he isn't home yet...that is concern.
An old woman sheds tears, when her son finally comes back to her to take care of her...that is joy.
A prisoner sheds tears, when he realizes his mistake...that is regret.

Tears are with us in every walk of life, accompanying every deep feeling.
They show how much we love or care. They show how happy or sad we are.
They lighten our mood, make us feel better, while going through a tough period.
Tears are not something to be ashamed of. They are not a sign of weakness, but of emotion and passion!