THE REJECTION...

"I'm supposed to reject him," I reminded myself again.
this is not the first time I am rejecting a man's love. In fact, earlier, I had carried off the routine with a handful of men, without any damage- "You are a very nice man. I like you. But, sorry...I am not ready for any sort of commitments right now..." and so on.
But, now, I have this strange feeling that this one is going to be more difficult than the others. Besides the fact that he is my best friend, there is something else- something indefinite, something indefinable that tells me that tonight is not an easy night...
I had been acutely aware of his feelings for me for the past few months, owing to the indications he had been giving me. Somehow, I hadn't taken any of them seriously. Nor did I give them much of a thought as I had assumed that the disaster is a thing of distant future. Unfortunately, it landed very soon- a lot sooner than I had expected.
The meaning was unmistakable and he left me in no doubt regarding his intentions.
"It is about us," he said over the phone in the morning, "meet me tonight."
No sir! commitment is the last thing on my mind, right now... "Sure," I heard myself saying, "I'll be there."
Since then, I could hardly think of anything else. At Lunch too, I could hardly eat anything and now, I'm starved.
"Stop staring at the mirror, you fool," I scolded myself as I brushed my hair again. I had spent more time than usual in front of the mirror, dressing with extreme care.
"I'm supposed to reject him," I said sternly to the mirror. I was satisfied as my voice was apparently firm. But what am I doing all this for? God save me!!!
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He sat there quite comfortably and as soon as he saw me, he stood up with courtesy. He was staring at me, admiring and my heart sank. Damn it! I gave him a smile- a real big one. Stop smiling! Just stop it!!
"You... You look beautiful," he said almost inaudibly, taking my arm. Oh no! I blushed! What the hell am I doing?
He isn't taking his eyes off me and the way he looked at me made me feel weak in my knees. I thought they would give away. I hurriedly sank down into the chair before he could pull it for me.
He ordered everything that I liked a lot. He knows so much about me...my favourite food, my favourite movies...my favourite...shut up!!!
I hardly touched anything as I was too nervous to eat.
But why am I nervous? Isn't he supposed to be nervous?
Look at him...he is so calm, so composed.
And look at me...I am acting like a fool.
"Anything wrong?" he said, touching my hand lightly, "you are not eating anything?"
Yes! It is all wrong! I am not supposed to feel this way...Hell! I am supposed to reject you!!! "No...nothing. It is...ah...I am not hungry," I lied, giggling like a stupid school girl.
He looked at me, concerned. "Shall we dance?" he said, apparently trying to make me feel comfortable. I'm not here to dance with you, young man! I am here to reject you! "Sure."
He took my arm once again and this time, his touch did wonders to me. I was lost...loosing control...I was walking on the clouds!
He led me to the dance floor and gently pulled me closer to him, my arms on his shoulders and his on my waist...there I was dancing with the man I am going to reject, feeling things I had never felt before. God! Don't do this to me!
He looked at me, into my eyes and any Little control I still had over myself was now, completely lost. I was hypnotised...by his charm... by his touch...
I wanted to break free and flee. I wanted to blurt out all that I had rehearsed at home, earlier today- that I don't love him! I don't love him? Is that true??? Don't I love him?
Or do I?? I love him??? "I love you!"
It was a totally different voice. I stopped dancing abruptly unable to believe my ears. He stared at me, dumbstruck. Or was he elated? I couldn't place the expression on his face. But all he did was kiss me lightly and say, "I never thought you would say it."
"Neither did I," I whispered, smiling, as my heart sang happily the new song it had learnt only a few seconds earlier...I love him...I love him...
He kissed me again, this time with passion...setting my heart soaring in the skies... I rested my head on his chest as he drew me closer and there we were...silently dancing the night away!! Just the two of us...oblivious to the world surrounding us!!!!!!!!

THE BEGINNING OR THE END...

"No! Don't go! Please don't leave me alone. I was screaming within myself. But, I said nothing. I just forced a smile onto my lips. This was what my parents were worried about. And this was what my friends were scared of. In fact, this was what everyone was afraid of and I was no exception. Marriage to an Army Major is no easy affair... I knew it. But, it didn't help. I was in love and couldn't bear the thought of someone else in my life-not even in my wildest nightmare. "If I have to marry, it would be either him or no one," I declared with indefinite finality. My parents were dumbstruck and so were everybody else. I-who never really bothered about anything in life, I-who lead a life completely carefree and careless, fell in love!!!!! I fell in love-truly, deeply and madly in love... That was the first time I cared for someone else. that was the first time I felt like getting extremely close to someone-so close that he'll remain with me all my life. that was the first time I felt like offering myself to someone. It was a miracle! 'He' was the miracle!! His eyes are magic... His voice is magic... His touch is magic... His nearness is magic... Days with him were like 'a dream come true'... Nights with him were ecstatic... He is my addiction...my obsession...my desire... He is my love... He is my life... It felt funny at the beginning just to think that I could have such intense feelings or such a wild desire for someone. Now, it is no longer funny. I can only feel a deep sense of grief sending away 'my man' straight into the claws of the inevitable DEATH!!! I cant let him go... I cant let him die... I cant stop him...because, I had long back realised that he belonged to the nation first and only then did he belong to me... I watched his lean figure moving away from me. "No! Don't go!" I was still screaming within myself. "I'll be all alone. I cant face the hostile world alone. Please! Don't...!!" He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, as if he heard the agonizing cries within me. He turned back to look at me. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked at him, hopefully. He smiled at me for the last time and continued... I stood there staring at him, until he disappeared, praying silently... praying ardently... praying God to spare him... Praying that this should not be the end... This should not be the end...This cannot be the end... Or is it?! Hell! No!! It cant be!!! It was just the beginning of something much awaited. I just began my life with him only a week back!!!!

MEMORIES FROM THE PAST...

It was almost about ten years back, that I had seen the last of him.The memory still remains fresh in my mind.
The picture of the unmistakable expression of grief on his face was etched on my mind. It was a heart-breaking sight for me, continually blurred by the tears welling up in my eyes-it was equally hard for me, or probably, harder.
I had always dreamt of a beautiful life with him- the man who adored me and whom I adored. My dream never turned into reality. Life moved on and so did I.
Do I still love him? May be not. But, in some corner of my heart, underneath the memoirs I had been compiling during all these years are the memories I had shared with him...spent with him...
Gone were those days when I had spent almost every second either with him or his thoughts. Walking the beaches at evenings, dancing with him under the moon...these things seemed to have occurred just yesterday.
Do I love him? May be not. But still, I hold a special place for him in my heart. He would remain there always, as long as I'm alive.
Though fate had tore us apart, it cant take away from me his memories...not fate, not God, not anyone.
My eyes suddenly turned moist. I was crying???!!!
I felt a tugging at my dress and was instantly drawn from my thoughts about the past into the present, the reality. I smiled at my only child, as I lifted it up and walked away leaving the fragrances of the reminiscences from my past...

A PERFECT COUPLE...

He looks at me straight into my eyes and holds my hands. He caresses my palm, plays with my fingers and says, "Honey! Do you know how much I love you?" And I fall for him all over again.
I try to open my mouth and tell him how much I love him. I try to tell him that in a way he would never forget all his life. But, no...nothing worthwhile comes out of my mouth except for a feeble smile. I curse myself. I scream silently within myself.
Here he is, standing in front of me-the man who loves me more than anyone else in the world... the man who had awakened untold feelings inside me... the man who had explored the untouched parts of me...Above all, he is the only man I had loved all my life, someone whom I needed, someone without whom, my life is nothing. My heart is so full of love for him. Many a time, I had tried-tried very hard to pour out my feelings for him. But, my lips never parted.
I know he holds a very special place for me in his heart, because, almost every moment, he makes me realize how important I am in his life. He makes me feel special. I feel like a complete person- a complete woman in his presence.
What about him??? Does he enjoy my company as much as I enjoy his? May be not...because, how much ever I had tried, I could never do anything to show him how deeply-seated are my feelings for him.
Here he is, standing in front of me...the most romantic man in the whole world, looking straight into my eyes-his eyes showing deep love for me.
And here I am...the most unromantic woman in the whole world, unable to look at him in the eye, smiling sheepishly at him...
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She smiled at me- the same uncomfortable and confused smile that she has been giving me whenever I told her that I love her and it is this smile that makes me want to tell her that again, because it is this smile that makes me fall in love with her all over again. and I tell myself again that I am the luckiest man in the world to have a woman like her.
She is so shy and so vulnerable, which makes me want to pull her into my arms and protect her.
And her smile...oh God! Her smile...something for which, I can give away my life happily.
She doesn't speak much. Nor is she very expressive. But one look at her sparkling eyes and her confused smile tells me the two things that I want to know-she loves me and I am the luckiest man in the whole world!!!!

THE PAIN AND THE PLEASURE...

I was tired- very, very tired. In fact, I was never so tired in my life. Every part of my body was throbbing and aching, bringing back the memories of the dreadful experience I just had.
Dreadful-was it? Yes. And not just that, but more than that. I had never known that such a pain existed and even if it did, I didn't think I would endure it and still be alive.
As I recollected it, a chill ran down my spine and I was shivering. I could sense a batch of fresh beads of perspiration on my forehead.
I fought with myself, trying hard to stay awake. But my eyes, in spite of my anguishing cries from within, persisted. They wanted to close.
I was waiting, waiting desperately, fighting with myself to stay awake. Unfortunately, the wait turned out to be longer than what I had anticipated. It was only a few minutes-I learnt later. But I felt it was the longest wait of my life.
Finally, I saw it. There it was completely and neatly wrapped up and small.
My arms barely had any strength. Still, I took it trying very hard to steady my shaking hands, trying to silence the tremors all over my body.
Then, I looked at it. The very first sight of it whisked off rapidly all the pain and exhaustion I had felt till then. I was smiling, smiling out of pure happiness. And whats more-I was very much sober, wide awake.
It was undoubtedly, the most beautiful thing I had ever set my eyes on. It made me so happy that I felt like screaming out and jumping with joy. I was on cloud nine.
I loved it...Yes, I did...May be, this is what they call 'Love at first sight'. I smiled again. My love for it is fierce and protective. 'I would never let it go through any harm-never!' I swore to myself. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at it again and again, afraid to loose it's sight even for the briefest moment, at the calm and serene beauty of the small, deeply set eyes, small tightly shut mouth and the small fidgety limbs of my First Born!!!!

LOVE KILLS!!!!

It was a craving like never before. Is it my ego? I don't know...Or is it my 'never say die attitude'? I don't know... All I know is that I am madly in love with him-selfless, unconditional and pure.
But, I still cant help asking myself, "What is wrong with me? I know he doesn't love me. Then, why? Why? Why?" My inner voice screams aloud at me, within me...
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" my friends said, worried.
"Honey! Don't you realize that you are hurting yourself?" my parents warned.
"Tell you what...You are crazy, completely out of your mind," others ridiculed.
"I think you deserve someone better," my best friend said trying to talk me out of what she called was 'foolishness'.
I know she doesn't understand when I say that I don't want anyone better. It is him I want! Him!! Only him!!! Not anyone else.
And what is worse!? I am manipulating myself with a blind, senseless hope; kindlessly, slowly putting the real 'me' to a long sleep, finally killing it, slowly so slowly that I was unaware of what I was doing.
"I don't like long nails," I heard him remark once and now, i find myself very often running around the house in search of a nail cutter.
"I get attracted to girls with long hair," he said and my hair which never crossed the shoulders earlier is now, as long as a horse's tail.
I am being senseless...
I am being crazy...
I am being mad...
Still, I enjoy this insanity, this intoxication. I know he doesn't love me. Well then, am I so desperate? I don't know. All I know is that I am madly in love with him-selfless, unconditional and pure...

THE MAKING OF A MORNING....

I woke up as the first rays of the morning sun bathed the room with their freshness, after having a pleasant dream. I turned my head to find a more pleasant sight.
Ah! There he was, sleeping peacefully.
I wrapped my naked body in the blanket and sat on the bed, staring at the heaving of his bare chest as he breathed steadily. I smiled. Waking up beside him is a bliss...
Cooking for him, Dancing with him, Lazing away the Sunday evenings with him were the most pleasant things i had ever done...
Living with him, Loving him, Making love for him, Mothering his children were the best things ever happened to me...
Life with him is ultimate happiness...

I blushed like a child as I relived our last night coupling in my head. He was so warm, so gentle, so caring, so soft...

I looked at his face which looked like a small, innocent baby when he slept. And this makes me love him even more. He is still handsome. Oh yes! He is! I observed lovingly his fine looks- the looks which attracted me in the first place...
"I love you!" I whispered, "I need you and I want you."
I stroked his thick, jet black hair (which had lately been showing signs of his age) gently and lovingly.
He opened his eyes. Slowly- very slowly like a small boy. I wanted to kiss him, but i suppressed my desire. I smiled at him instead.
He smiled back- a beautiful and radiant smile that lit the room, as his hands reached for me went straight into my hair and played with the curls.
"Good Morning!" he said sleepily.
Well... My morning was made!!!!!!!

THE ENDLESS STORY OF EVERY NIGHT...

"Let me give it another try," I told myself, as i closed my eyes again. I lay still for a moment. "Damn it!" I cursed under my breath and got up. I sat there on the soft bed mumbling something, staring blankly at the clock in front of me.
"Will I ever be able to sleep?" I thought despairingly. And the next moment, 'his' thoughts came back flooding rapidly. They stung me in the head. Yet, an involuntary smile came upon my lips. I sat there at the middle of the night smiling like a fool!!!
What is it in him that makes me do all this? What is it in him that keeps him in my thoughts always, every second, day and night?? I know... his eyes... so deep, so blue... constantly looking at me straight in the eye. No, no... I think it is his voice, his soft, velvety voice- so smooth and soothing. Or may be his arms- so strong, yet so gentle- that hold me close to him, so close that I can hear the steady rhythm of his heartbeat that carries me into his world. A tear trickled down and rolled over my cheek. "Oh God! I miss him like hell," I said aloud as I got down the bed and switched on the light for the hundredth time that night. I walked as if in trance and stopped in front of the full-length mirror. I stared at the already tear-strained face, the dark hair and black eyes. Addressinghe mirror, I said aloud, "You are so lucky. He loves you." I giggled like a school girl. smiling, I switched off the light a hundred and oneth time that night, climbed onto my bed and lay back, making a yet another vain attempt to get some sleep....

JUST A MOMENT....

When was it you have last told your spouse that you love him or her?
When was it that you have last sat with your siblings roaring with laughter at all the silly things you had done as kids?
When was it that you have last hugged your parents and told them that you still cared for them?
A few days ago?
A few months ago?
A few years ago??!!!
Man is a social animal. His relationships with the people around him are one of the most important needs for him and it is these relationships that make him different from the other animals inhabiting the earth. To establish and to maintain them, man needs LOVE, PASSION, EMOTION...The three delicacies of life that add flavour and fullness to it, making his life complete. Without them, he leads an incomplete and dull life.
Often, he fails to realise this in his never ending pursuit of riches and power. However, at some point of time in his life, when he gets tired of the non-stop running after materialistic things of the world, when he pauses and looks back, what it is that he finds? Has he been living a 'real' life? May be not...He realises that he has just been living, but he had never felt life, because life is nowhere present in the materialistic things in the world. He gets filled with an unknown emptiness, a vacuum, a nothingness, which is far more depressing than anything he had ever experienced.
How does he remedy this? all he has to do now is just try to bring out the flavour in life, try to fill his life with love and passion, renew his relationships with the people around him and finally.....
Live a contented and happy life full of bright colours!!!!!